stepping back…

i said that i was only going to focus on school until school is over in two weeks. i haven’t QUITE managed to do that. i’ve already looked into another graduate program, jobs, and houses. it is amazingly difficult to let everything else in life just fade for a moment.
i try to read a devotional every morning before i get up. it’s been tough lately to remember that, but i read today’s last night and it really struck me. as usual, it spoke directly to what is going on in my life right now.
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I will give your life to you as a prize in all places, wherever you go —Jeremiah 45:5

This is the firm and immovable secret of the Lord to those who trust Him— “I will give your life to you . . . .” What more does a man want than his life? It is the essential thing. “. . . your life . . . as a prize . . .” means that wherever you may go, even if it is into hell, you will come out with your life and nothing can harm it. So many of us are caught up in exhibiting things for others to see, not showing off property and possessions, but our blessings. All these things that we so proudly show have to go. But there is something greater that can never go— the life that “is hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3).

Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go? The true test of abandonment or surrender is in refusing to say, “Well, what about this?” Beware of your own ideas and speculations. The moment you allow yourself to think, “What about this?” you show that you have not surrendered and that you do not really trust God. But once you do surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you totally abandon yourself to God, He immediately says to you, “I will give your life to you as a prize . . . .” The reason people are tired of life is that God has not given them anything— they have not been given their life “as a prize.” The way to get out of that condition is to abandon yourself to God. And once you do get to the point of total surrender to Him, you will be the most surprised and delighted person on earth. God will have you absolutely, without any limitations, and He will have given you your life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience in your life or your refusal to be simple enough.

——-

beware of my own ideas and speculations. that’s exactly what i’ve been doing. trying to ‘fix’ this myself. trying to give myself options instead of just being patient and open. i’m not saying that i shouldn’t prepare for life, but i don’t see the necessity in trying to figure out where we’re going to live, where i’m going to work and where i’m going to go to school in the next week. there is NO reason for that.

i’ve definitely been having a hard time thinking about my volunteering as well. while i definitely do not feel in any way fulfilled by it, i feel bad leaving. i’ve been putting off saying anything because i simply don’t want to. i’m trying to figure out a way to say it that doesn’t seem lame, but pretty much every way i try to reason it, it sounds lame to me. and then there’s the question of HOW? do i email? do i call? do i stop in and chat? i know that these agencies and organizations were running just fine before i got there and will continue to run just fine LONG after i’ve left. i hate feeling like i’ll be letting them down, though. i really need to do it this week, though. just to get it over with.

the other thing i have to remember is that it’s only BEEN a week since i found out i didn’t get into the program. it feels like it’s been SO much longer. it FEELS like it’s been a month or more. we’ve only just figured out what we’re going to do from here – at least in the very short term. we’re just going to LIVE LIFE as it is through may and then go from there. i graduate may 13, run a half marathon the 21st and then we’re going to new york the last week of may. i know, only 3 things, but they’ll keep me busy. and then the rest of the time i can REST. i can RELAX. i can allow myself to REALLY process everything and REALLY work through it and REALLY take my time making decisions. we’re in no hurry for me to start working so i can take the time to see what’s out there and apply only to the places i WANT to work. i don’t have to get some lame mall job to make ends meet. there is incredible freedom in that and i am SO grateful.

how about you? do you have a hard time stepping back?

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One thought on “stepping back…

  1. Kayla says:

    Thanks for sharing! I am definitely with you on this one! It was so hard for me to not constantly be planning my life and trying to make things work the way I wanted them too. When I packed up and moved to North Carolina, it was one of the hardest decisions I had to make because it went against every “resposible adult” grain in my body. But, after you get used to it, “just living life” and waiting for the next adventure is an AMAZING experience. I think you will eventually adjust. My mom always says “you have the rest of your life to work”..and she’s right! You have the rest of your life to work and go to school, but you only have right now to live your life in this moment. So live it! Enjoy it! And try not to worry about things that will still be there in 2 months, or 8 months, or a year, or 5 years or whenever God leads you to them!

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