It’s been over a year since I’ve been here. It’s been over a year since I read anyone’s blog. It’s been over a year since I’ve really even thought about this place. We got so busy with house stuff and me job hunting and getting a dog and basically just living life that blogging sort of fell off the map for me.
I don’t know that I’m back for sure, but I do know that I have some thoughts and nowhere else to put them.
The big news on the home front is that we’re going to have a baby. I’m just entering trimester 2 – 14ish weeks. I’ve been doing a LOT of thinking about what I’m going to do after the baby is born – how long will I be out? How long will I work from home? When will I start working at home? Will I continue to work at home? Do I want to come back to work at all? Do I want to be full time? Can we afford for me to cut down to part-time work?
My sister just turned 30 recently, as well as husband. Our dog is already over a year old and we’ve adopted a second. I’m already 14 weeks pregnant. Time flies. Time flies SO fast. I want to think about these things now because I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder “When did Sasha (our German Shepherd) get so old? How is it that we already have to think about the end of her life?” or to think “How is my child already 30? Where did the time go?”
I don’t want to wake up one day and regret the way I spent my time when I was young and we were starting out.
I have been thinking a lot about the values I want to instill in my children, the ways I want my dogs to act. How can I possibly do that when I’m cooped up in an office 40 hours a week? How can I ask Husband to do the same thing?
I’ve read MANY articles recently about women and working. Those who claim that you CAN have it all spend time with their kids during breakfast and dinner and have daycare and nannies for the rest of the time. Those who say you CAN’T have it all choose to walk away from busy, promising careers to spend time with family. I have come to the conclusion for me that I am one who cannot ‘have it all’. I want more time than mornings and evenings. I want to have more time to teach my children the things I believe are important – I don’t want to leave that up to daycare. I don’t necessarily want my children learning what’s important from people who have different value systems. I want to spend the time growing up with them – growing alongside them.
The other thing I know is that what we want and what reality has to offer are not always the same thing. I don’t know if we can afford for me to not work or to only work part-time. I don’t know if when all is said and done that I want to be home all the time.
Is there a way to live with kids and not wake up one day and wonder how they got to be so old? To not regret the way time was spent? Do I have to be at home to realize that dream?
I don’t know the answers to these questions and I feel like I’m running out of time to answer them. I want to have an answer before Baby is born, but I think that’s unrealistic. I think I need to spend time now enjoying the process, enjoying the current moments and let future moments worry about themselves. I believe that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. However, it doesn’t seem to reduce the fear that I’m going to wake up one day and regret my life and how I spent it.
If only time didn’t always fly by so fast…