Mae and I are both finally feeling much better after teething and colds and coughs and sleepless nights. These past two weeks have given me a lot of time to think about where I am and what I am doing.
I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.
There. I said it. Out loud.
Back when I thought about my future and what I thought I would be doing and where I would be at nearly 30, being a stay at home mom was not even on the list. Even up to after she was born, I didn’t want to be the one at home.
So needless to say, this transition has been difficult. When I looked at my life and where I would be and what I would be doing (even though I wouldn’t change it because I really believe this is where I am supposed to be and I really believe this is what I am supposed to be doing), this wasn’t it. I saw myself as a professional. I’m not sure doing what, but I was out there working. I liked being a professional, garnering the respect that being a professional gets you, but when it came down to it, that simply didn’t compare with the love I had for this little creature and my desire to be there for her. I wanted to be the one seeing and experiencing her firsts.
Truth be told, I wasn’t really great at being a professional. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I job hopped year after year, always thinking “this will be the right job” and it never was. I tried lots of things and really, being a professional probably wasn’t for me anyway. This made the decision decidedly easier for me to stay home.
I suppose if I really stop and think, I would see myself with more education, an advanced degree doing something exciting, making a difference. I still have that dream of having an advanced degree, preferably doing something in research. I am learning a lot about myself as I think and process what I’m feeling.
It has taken me a long time to realize that I was feeling like this and to figure out why and to finally even admit it. It takes a surprising amount of guts to admit to others that I’m not where I thought I would be and I feel lesser because of it. I feel somehow like I am failing in my life. Like I’m not living up to some potential I have. That somehow working in the professional world is more important than raising the little people I’ve brought into the world.
I’m certainly not down on stay at home moms. Please don’t hear that. I enjoy it for the most part myself. I’m simply having a hard time reconciling this in my own mind. I LOVE that I was there for her first smile, and her sitting up, and her crawling, and her first time climbing the steps – I was there. I think that’s awesome. She will value what I value and I am becoming a better person by having little people around me all the time. As they imitate me, I see a very real and raw part of myself. It’s not necessarily what I want to be and I have the power to change that. My kids will be like me and I like that.
I’ve also had an opportunity to depend on God more to provide for us – financially and socially and fulfillment-wise. There are other things I like to do that fulfill me and God has brought those things into my life to do to give me some outlet and another sense of purpose. Our marriage is better for me staying home, I think. I am really starting to embrace being the best stay at home mom I can be. I realize this means taking more responsibility with housework and taking pride in the presentation of the house instead of letting it go because I’m too busy or tired from working.
I’m glad that I’m finally admitting this out loud and letting these feelings and thoughts out. Slowly God is shaping me into the person I can be and need to be. It’s allowing me to trust in him more. This is where I am supposed to be and I know it. I just have to wait for my feelings and expectations to catch up with me.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. –Jeremiah 29:11-13