The journey

I am on the journey to becoming a published author.

I am already an author. I have already finished two first drafts of novels. I have several more in the works. I have written a myriad of short stories. I am an author.

I am now attempting to make money doing it.

Right now, that entails creating some social media channels – right now, that’s youtube, instagram, and facebook. I’ve also set up a website that will have a blog – all dedicated to my authoring journey.

I have editing to do, I have blog posts to write, I have videos to record and edit, a study to print, assemble, and mail… the list seems to go on and on. I feel overwhelmed. I feel perpetually behind.

I am wondering right now if it’s going to be worth it. I am wondering if I can do this. I am wondering if I can make this work. I am wondering a lot of things. I feel a lot of things – most of them are negative right now. I wonder and wonder and wonder. I try to move on and just do one thing at a time but it’s hard. I don’t have enough time. I don’t have enough free time. I have too many other responsibilities, most of which involve the two tiny darlings of my heart.

How do I continue? Do I just keep plugging away, one piece at a time? Do I stop and throw in the towel? Do I acknowledge all the feelings and let them overwhelm me?

I’ve already broken this down into the smallest steps possible and it seems like so many steps. It seems impossible to do.

Really, though, what else can I do?

I must carry on though, must I not? What else can I do? One step, one little box on my spreadsheet at a time. One spec of free time at a time. That’s all I can do. Nothing more. Nothing less.

To pursue our dreams will always take work. It will always take sacrifice. It will always take just a little bit more than we think we have. So we push on, we move forward, we do what we need to do. We don’t let feelings get in our way of what needs to be done.

Push on, friends. Do that one thing you need to do to pursue your dream. And so will I.

 

 

 

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The Job…

I realized that I have said NOTHING about this job that I just got, so I will give you all an update as to what I’m doing.

I currently work for a non-profit organization that assists individuals with mental illness and chemical dependency to learn to live their lives as independently as their diagnosis allows. My title is Embedded Case Aide, which means that I work with a specific team at a state human service center. I am a case aide to 4 case managers and my job is take care of daily living tasks with which clients requite assistance. I do such things as delivering medication, transporting clients to appointments, the grocery store, or laundromat, assist with cleaning tasks in their home, teach socialization behaviors and more. It’s a busy little position, but I’m enjoying it so far. I’m definitely interested in seeing where things go and what turns life takes.

The best part of my job is working with my team. They are a group of really great people despite some misgivings I may have had in the beginning. They are a group of people who really care about their clients and want their clients to live as healthy lives as possible, free from stigma and other negative things that come with being severely mentally ill and/or chemically dependent.

The most challenging part of my job is learning how to properly communicate with clients. There is a fair amount of dancing around subjects and I have to learn how to do that. I have to learn the appropriate ways to say ‘no’ and to redirect or correct clients in a respectful manner. It’s a completely new way of speaking for me, but I think that it will be a very valuable learning experience.

So here’s to the job and seeing what turns life takes next.

lessons learned…

i have my sister’s kids for a few days. needless to say, yesterday was a tiny bit of a disaster. no blood, no broken bones, nothing like that – just lots of little mistakes. partly because i just don’t really have the stuff to entertain a 3 year old and a 5 year old for 3 days. especially if it’s raining, like it is today. they sure don’t care that it’s raining so i suppose we could go play outside. i don’t really want to sit outside though because i’m a pansy. i figure, though, that they can entertain themselves for a few hours today while i do the stuff that i do. you know, like blog, check my email, that kind of stuff.

however, i’ve definitely LEARNED from yesterday, though. like…

  • they take a nap when i say so and NOT an hour before supper.
  • they need to be watched a tiny bit more when playing on a playground. not ALWAYS a spectator sport
  • meals are NOT an option

you know, things like that. i’ve kinda felt like yesterday was a TOTAL failure, but when i think about it, i only made, like, 4 mistakes. they just seemed so big at the time but they’re really not.

i just know that i’m not ready to be a mom to a 4 and 5 year old right now. i’d MUCH rather start from scratch and figure it out as i go along. and i know that when i have kids, i’m going to be making mistakes like that all the time and feeling dumb and kinda like a failure, but it’s important to remember that EVERY mom and EVERY dad does too. EVERYONE who’s had a kid makes those mistakes. when they’re tired or annoyed or angry or whatever. heck, even when they’re not.

kids are tough to figure out, especially when they spend all their time at their OWN house and things there work differently than they do here. it’s a bit of a learning curve for them to come to a new place with new people and new places and new rules. sometimes it’s hard to figure out what’s worth fighting, what’s not, and how to DEAL with the stuff worth fighting for.

having another person here to deal with the kids is kind of a double edged sword too. on one hand, it’s REALLY nice to have them there to help with getting ready and whatnot. just helping to take care. on the other hand, it can be stressful because they’re doing things differently or sometimes just don’t know what to do. sometimes you BOTH don’t know what to do or how to handle a certain situation. i’d definitely rather HAVE someone else around than do it myself though. for SURE! i can’t imagine doing this on my own. of course, i wouldn’t be a stay at home mom and that’s part of the stress too – being home all the time, dealing with them all the time – it’s stressful.

then, of course, there are the rules. of course, it again comes down to the ‘what’s worth fighting about?’ question. are the rules that one deems necessary really necessary? what if one person thinks one rule is necessary but the other doesn’t? i know from my point of view, i find it more important to stand united – especially when it’s just for a few days. i know that to undermine one is to undermine BOTH because it causes confusion. and of course, rules are for naught if the kids aren’t trained to listen to and follow rules. fortunately, these kids listen to rules well (for the most part). i HAVE found then when we’re out, the fewer rules the better. it’s better to have one or two rules that cover the REALLY important stuff than to have 10 rules that cover the most important to that which isn’t important at all. like… not crossing the street without holding hands or without looking. things like that.

all in all, having kids is HARD work. i’m glad that i have a couple kids that i can borrow for multiple days to remind me that having kids is going to be HARD work and helps to remind me WHY we’re waiting. helps me remember that it’s going to be hard to have kids and go to school and do well. of course, you find a way to do it, but i’d much rather not work it that way. i definitely WANT kids, but not for a while. they’re VERY rewarding but a lot of work.

so, for the next few days, there will be a lot of lessons to learn, a lot of work to do, and a lot of fun to have because they ARE fun kids.

politics…

it amazes me how much politics infiltrates every day life. right down to inside the classroom. the voice of one student is able to override any dissension but concerns brought up by another fall on seemingly deaf ears. one or two students can change the course of an event for 50 and no one bats an eye (at least, those in power) while the concerns of others are shot down immediately. those ones are asked to be mature, to walk away, to just let it happen. to let the immature and irresponsible get their way.

is THIS what the world is coming to? trample on the responsible and mature and let the children get their way? to let the duties of those “in charge” fall on those who are “responsible”? because someone wants it done the RIGHT way and those who are already swamped with garbage to do get to do even MORE? i understand that life is not fair. i GET that. what i DON’T get is how people think this is ok. what i DON’T get is how it’s ok to inconvenience some people and not others. what i DON’T get is the place that we’re supposed to be teaching people how to be adults (college) is precisely the place where more and more students are being allowed to get away with anything and everything. if they whine enough, things are changed. fortunately, i have a number of classes where politics DOESN’T play a role and where students know what is expected of them and they do it.

part of me would really enjoy teaching in a collegiate setting. i really would. however, i’m not sure how i would ever be able to deal with the ever increasing political games in the collegiate setting. it seems that i would almost have to teach at a graduate level and, having never been there, i’m not sure how i feel about that. i think i would like to be able to shape and help more students than that. to help others find their way. i know that i would those who don’t care along the way but i could deal with that. i could deal with that kind of stuff. the political environment that would possibly be in the office though? not sure if i could deal with that. not sure if i could deal with power struggles. of course, that would probably be a place where i would not stay.

i guess college DOES teach some how to be adults, how to adapt, how to survive, how to deal with all sorts of different people. it teaches me to see people for who they are and HOW they are, regardless of what might have been a previous thought or feeling. it teaches me to take certain things at face value and to not internalize. it teaches me to cope with disappointment. it teaches me how to keep school at school, work at work, and home at home. it teaches me all sorts of things.

of course, it also teaches me to not believe in people. it teaches me to expect the worst. it teaches me not to depend on others. it teaches me to look out for number one. on the plus side of all of that, it teaches me that not all people are flexible or can be relied on. it teaches me that some people jump into things far more foolishly than i, even when those decisions affect me. it teaches me how to be discerning of those with whom i come in contact. it teaches me that if i want a good education, i need to speak up and do what i need to do in order to ensure that happens.

however, at the end of the day, school is only a short part of my life and all that really matters is the piece of paper at the end of the tunnel, not necessarily the steps it took to get me there. classes will not be thoroughly scrutinized and if i do get a B in a class because i let myself be bullied a little bit, it’s just another something i’ve learned. so here’s to my education, my rant and my peace of mind.